Friday 16 December 2016

The Many Mini Miracles of a Mumuland Christmas



Just before 11pm last night I was on my porch, testing zip ties to determine if they would be too loud at that hour. Satisfied the zip of each tie wouldn't wake neighbors, I set about just one of many odd holiday traditions in & around Mumuland, my little house.
This year instead of driving stakes into the ground, I zip-tied them to each of my fence posts so the row of red metal poinsettia pinwheels is a foot above the top of the fence, more visible than last year's ground-based system.
 After I finished with the 10 pinwheels, I stood back to admire their addition to the 4 insanely LED-lit tomato cage Christmas trees & the 6 1/2' live tree on the porch, & realized with the other lights & ornaments I plan to add tonight, I've officially jumped over the 'Crazy Christmas Lady' line with both feet.
I was outside my fence, trying to get the neighbors' perspective of the spectacle
when I saw freshly shaven Mu bounding through the yard like a deranged spring rabbit. She was zooming downhill inside the confines of the fence & I thought 'cat,' but turning my view to the area where I'd just finished the poinsettias, I saw something else bounding downhill, outside the fence & exactly where I was just fooling with pinwheels.  In motion I can't tell a buck from a doe, but I do know it was the biggest deer I had seen on this island. Mu was so startled she forgot to bark, & I just stood there, grinning idiotically with no one to show & tell, much like when I wave at the passing International Space Station.
Wishing you a season of wonder & surprising joy!

Thursday 13 October 2016

Have Yourself A Pavlovian Little Christmas

In the immortal words of Zuzu, 'Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings'...or a crab waves his big crabby claw, or a turtle gets its shell...or a
Jumbie kicks like a Rockette, or a lobstah rocks out, or a peacock shimmies its butt feathers...or a flamingo dances like a
flamenco, or Mu sighs, rolls her eyes, & dreams of a quiet nap space devoid of the incessant jingling currently going on at our house.
If she had thumbs, she'd surely be speed-dialing the SPCA & lodging a 'bell-borne complaint of abuse.'
After majoring in psychology (behavior modification among other things) in college & designing & making funny ornaments for a good bit of my adult life, I'm starting to believe the two seemingly unrelated things are merging in my weird little sea glass world in the guise of paired stimuli. Pavlov's bell-rings-inciting dog-plunging-head-in-food-bowl experiments are a little different in Mumuland.

1. Jingle bell sounds
2.  Mu huffs exhaustedly
3. I am compelled to start one of my West Wing DVDs
(I retrieve jingle bell from under sofa, where Mu wagged it)
4. Slurp of iced coffee
5. Twist, twist, twist
(I retrieve beads from under sofa, where Mu wagged them)
Twist, twist, clip, clip, clamp
6.  Voila!  An ornament appears.
7.  Mu demands I throw Mutu, her legs-of-unequal-lengths toy tiger.  The short leg issue is due to a stuffing-leaking, hand-sewing surgery incident on Mutu when Mu was a pup. It was traumatic, & she doesn't like to speak of it, so we choose to ignore Mutu's physical challenges).  Mu demands I throw Mutu 57 or 58 more times & chase her around the house before she'll settle & allow me to-
8.  Repeat.

Friday 23 September 2016

L A Stories

The movie watching spot in my studio...when I'm actually watching

I love Claudette Colbert. I realize how mouldy that makes me, but after watching 'The Palm Beach Story' again last night I repeat, I love Claudette Colbert. She was sequined & sparkling, rapier-sharp, sardonic without any hint of bitterness, all a fine line that so few actresses managed to straddle. Myrna Loy had it too, & it was (I believe) unique to that era. 
After Claudette, I moved on to Grace in 'Dial M.'  She managed an iciness the first two lack, probably a factor of looking he way she did. I prefer her in 'High Society,' but that may be the reflection of her in the fun mirror of her other cast members--Crosby, Sinatra, Holm, Stewart, Armstrong.  
What goes on in my studio when I'm watching movies with my back--the million mermaid march, all awaiting heads & wigs

I've watched these DVDs so many times, I now watch them with my back.  
I sit at my desk, making mermaid fannies or whatever, listening to the movie behind me as if it were an old radio serial. They are frivolous, pure entertainment, like cotton candy a la mode smothered in whipped cream, i.e. the perfect substitute for the junk food I've given up. Full of 'smarm 'n charm,' they weigh no more on your mind than a gnat on a trampoline.
Yesterday was the seventeenth (my lucky number, incidentally) anniversary of the airing of the first episode of 'West Wing,' my absolute fave for when I'm in the mood for something more substantial. I'm on my second set of WW disks (having worn out the first set), plus I stream it on Netflix when I'm in the living room.  It is my 'fetal position go-to,' for when I can't make sense of my world or THE world. It gives me hope (albeit fictional) for humanity when I can't find that elsewhere, makes logic from chaos, & always leaves me researching something else, learning something new, & wondering (in a good way) about the future. 

Wednesday 21 September 2016

The First Day of WHAT?!?!?!!!!

No colorful leaves?  No problem!

Halftime, as I call the big gap between the January to May part of the cruise ship season & the late October through December part, is winding down at breakneck speed. My desk calendar at my other job just had the audacity to announce that today is AUTUMN?!

Fall on the island is more of a slip than a Fall.  The leaves that change hue or drop are mostly limited to one color, two species (coppery mahogany & red dog almond) & happen in late Spring/early summer instead of Fall. 

West Indian Mahogany trees have small leaves that turn brown & flutter down in huge drifts...that are as shiny as a pile of pennies, & as slick as a slip 'n slide. The lovely Mrs Fruit who sells her produce under the mahoganies in front of the Kingshill Post Office discovered the latter characteristic as I glanced over one day, saw her hit a patch of leaves & land flat of her arse.  As I helped pull her to her feet & settle her bucket hat back on her head, we were grateful the leaves were drifted deeply enough to break her fall & ensure she would live to play her ukulele under those trees as she does most afternoons.  
Autumnal stony pup

To render St Croix even more seasonally disoriented,  long & golden rays of light usually reserved for Autumn in the states also appear here in late spring, with the polarity causing objects to stand in relief. I catch myself smiling about thoughts of cooler air & Halloween/ Thanksgiving/Christmas...only to wake with a start when I realize it is about to be summer instead of Fall, & Hurricanes rather than Chanukah are upon us. 
I should have been making these for months now!

So here it is, the cusp of Autumn, & I  just can't make myself believe it...except three people have asked me about Christmas ornaments in the last two days...& Williams Sonoma is pelting me with images of pumpkin-shaped marshmallows...and I'm sharing pics of rubber snake-enhanced Halloween wreaths with a friend...and my summer to-do list is SO NOT 'TO-DONE.'
But I'm done--done fretting over what eluded the 'finished' slash of my pen or the peck of a delete key--done measuring the 'success' or 'failure' of a given day by a litany of tasks remaining to be completed & thus robbing me of zzzzs, done cramming quantity instead of quality into every 24 hours.  
Man.  I talk a great game; don't I? I almost believe me. 

Wednesday 14 September 2016

Cro-Magnon High Tech?

The flea market find...AFTER!

"Pull sharply on the farthest choke feasible."
Batten Handtree, Niddy-Noddy, Umbrella Swift, Squirrel Cage, Butterfly skein, Reeds & combs, Rya, Dobby, Leno, Huck, warp & weft, dents & stretchers & beaters.  These curious terms & phrases comprise the language, techniques & tools of my people-dem--weirdo weavers.  And all constituted the cutting edge of tech in the era they were coined. Complicated & odd lingo, likely deliberately made odder by people who learned it more from telling than from reading, like a convoluted & protracted secret handshake to a long ago lodge member. 
Sad little before

Yes, I'm from West Virginia.  Yes, I grew up in an area that honored another newly (at the time) coined phrase--'Fine Craft.' Yes, it was the 70's, & the 80's.  

Weaving still made me a weirdo. I wasn't the weirdest of the weaving weirdos, as I discovered in My weaving classes at Marshall University. That slot was reserved for the weaver who had grown up as the daughter of a circus elephant act. Her projects included weaving a sweater from...wait for it...Airdale hair saved when a friend's dog got his summer trim & which my friend hand spun into bulky yarn. Note:  If at all possible, be as far from a dog-hair spinner as you can.  Two issues here--airborne Airdale particles cause a wicked cough, & there is NOTHING redeeming about the scent of a wet Airdale sweater if said spinner gets caught in a shower.  For her graduate project, our daughter of the elephant trainers chose to cut the candy pill strips--those chalkily delicious pastel sugar blobs adhered to what appeared to be adding machine tape--into long, narrow bands & weave them into...wait once more...EDIBLE UNDERWEAR.  
So not the weirdest of the weirdos was I. Not by a long shot. 
The studio...where the older floor loom was supposed to live. 

I wanted to be a potter way before Demi & Patrick made that cool ('Ghosts'), but visions of muddy 'slip' water trailed through the house, coupled with amorphous blob miscreations that they'd have to display in their starkly modern home in the name of supporting my pursuits led my parents to steer me toward weaving over pottery. I had entered & won a couple of competitions with classic 70's, über textured weavings on driftwood. They won, no doubt because they were judged to be the grooviest. So I begged & wheedled until my parents succumbed & gave me a huge Leclerc (Canadian) table loom for my twelfth birthday.  It was so big that it did not in fact, fit on a table & my Dad had to make legs for it.  

From the day I turned twelve to July of 2015, every apartment or house I considered had to have a prominent & perfect space for my loom. Several times that involved a choice between a small dining table & the loom, & we ended up eating in the kitchen for the duration.  I stuck with the Leclerc from 1974-1992 when we moved to this island & I decided that such a big life change warranted a change to a larger, better loom--a 48" wide, 8-harness Harrisville floor loom (see my post from 7/2/15 for more about that, plus pics). After 23 years of planning for, factoring in, & generally walking around that beast, in late June of last year I carefully disassembled & stowed the parts of my loom in the back of my closets.  The pieces are still in there, beackoning me to do as I imagined & convert it into an upright tapestry loom that would take up much less floor space. 
A 23-24 year old tapestry that was displayed in Government House at a STX Environmental Ass'n show, the first year I lived here 

And then last Saturday my friend Phillip sent me a pic of a misbegotten table loom which, despite a good pedigree (Schacht is a respected name in my geekdom) had ended up a jumbled & unloved mess on the concrete floor of the Animal Shelter Flea Market. A couple of close up shots & I knew about how much coin & manual labor would be required to bring it back to life, so I gave Phillip a realistic counter offer to the posted price & the arguments to support the reduction, & within a few hours he delivered my project to my porch work table.  A couple of days of disassembly, wire brushing/WD 40-ing stubborn rust, applying paraffin to chafing & seized parts , replacement of the rusted-beyond-recovery reed with a bamboo slatted one & cleaning & conditioning the wood with a homemade mix of 1 part white vinegar to 3 parts olive oil (Mu licked the loom & says it just needs salt), I reassembled it into what should be a working loom.
I made an inviting space for it in a sunny studio corner (where the original floor loom was destined before I realized it didn't fit through the studio door & it ended up idling in my living room for 7 years, eventually demanding $2k+ in metal parts replacement to be functional).  In the recent upheaval, sorting & cleaning of my studio I even unearthed a bunch of fine cotton crochet thread I bought at a fabric store close out some time ago.  Eventually it will be the first warp on this loom, but weavers know any project is 70% winding the warp & dressing the loom, 20% actual weaving, all preceded by 10% plotting/dreaming/scheming on graph paper. 

I found a pad of graph paper just before I finished the studio rehab. There is definitely a reason the words 'dream' & 'weaver' hang out together. 

Friday 9 September 2016

On Hershey Bars, Nylons, Dieting & Collective Bargaining

This is not ice cream. It is home-grown arugula & a neighbor's gifted avocado with key lime dressing I made from my bounty of limes. Lovely, sure, but I repeat, NOT ICE CREAM. 

Vanilla ice cream with fresh strawberry topping. 
That's what I've been craving to point of distraction.  For a solid frikkin week. 
This is not normal. Vanilla always left me cold, especially if chocolate was an option.  Chocolate, specifically MILK chocolate could motivate me to do anything except lose weight. 

Sure, I went through a noir phase where I thought the darker the chocolate the better, until 3 things swung that pendulum:

1.  Über-dark chocolate actually tastes a bit sour. I generally love sour, even going as far as to always buy two jars of pickles--one sweet & one dill, take them home & switch the pickles from one jar into the brine of the other. But sour & chocolate...oh HELL no. 
2.  Scientists a few years back discovered dark chocolate is GOOD for you. So much for stolen moments with purloined & verboten pleasures. My perversity switch flipped & I immediately preferred milk chocolate with its sales pitch of 'no redeeming qualities whatsoever.'
3.  Texture. Like the saw about the secret to real estate being location, location, location, my cravings are always about texture, texture, texture--smooth, silky, 'I won't fight back' texture without the graininess frequently characteristic of super dark chocolate varieties. 

So why vanilla with strawberries??
These, while perfectly delicious, are Surinam cherries & decidedly NOT strawberries. Not even close. 

I blame it on global warming, that bastard. Somehow vanilla with berries sounds summery & cool...& I WANT IT NOW!  And so this week at the most inopportune moments, that phrase in all caps & a much larger font repeatedly flashed in my head, like a peskily bright neon sign right outside your window when you're trying to sleep. 

It was flashing thusly when my ex sweetheart called to launch another salvo in the perpetual battle to remove the 'ex' prefix from his title. And genuinely liking the guy & so not being a jerk & just yelling 'NO!,' I did what I always do & pivoted to an Un-relationship-related or 'safe' topic, that of how after dieting since mid-March & successfully quashing most evil cravings, this week I had somehow become the bitch of a specific frozen dessert idea. 

And that was when I suddenly understood the WWII bargaining power wielded by soldiers offering Hershey bars & nylons to women deprived of same. When he offered to be at my house in minutes, bringing the coveted & craved ice cream & topping, it was all I could do not to give up my beachhead--the position I've stalwartly held for a year & a half.  Realizing my vulnerability, I cleverly threw out a plausible excuse to end the conversation quickly & before I succumbed--'I have to run now--Mu's playing with matches & you know how flammable she is!' 
Because I'm smooth like that.  Smooth like ice cream...
Mu, laughing at the flammability comment because as she says, 'How am I supposed to light a match without opposable thumbs?'

Thursday 8 September 2016

'Clos-play?'

At this moment there must be a group of mothers who have surely marked me for death. 
Because despite 50 plus years of maternal admonishment, I currently have the lights on IN EVERY ROOM OF MY HOUSE. 
At 11:30 p.m. I awoke in my studio in front of the last moments of the original, Louise Beavers/Claudette Colbert version of 'Imitation of Life.'  I thought 'I'll do my yoga & go to bed early'...with Santa Claus & a unicorn, evidently. Instead I have gone from room to room, starting or finishing several tasks in each, & blazing a lighting trail to lure me back.  
And then I finally got productive & started going through drawers, sorting into give away or throw away piles stuff that I'm replacing with the neat, clean, folded items I'll sort into give away or throw away piles a year from now.  
Among the cast off linens, I found some swimwear & a couple stray bras that I had to try on before levying judgement for or against.  The best was my red, rhinestone-studded & preposterously padded gag bra, made even more outlandish by the fact it is now buckety-big from a combo of weight loss & TEFS (Tropical Elastic Fatigue Syndrome--the early onset dry rot that possesses elasticized items here in paradise).  
When I bought this little house, there was a medium sized safe in the bedroom closet. After thinking 'how cool is that?' & obsessively closing & opening it with the combination to be sure I could, I considered what to put in there. I then realized I was pretty much devoid of what most people & all thieves might consider 'valuables.'  Eventually I pulled the little tray insert out & carefully arranged my bejeweled red bra in it, then stuck it back in the safe, leaving the door slightly ajar. Some time later I told Buck I had finally decided the item of greatest value & deserving of the safe's protection. He looked, laughed & my gag bra has been in the safe for the last eight years. 
Time for yoga & bed, but I'm already planning tomorrow night's 'clos-play' (as in closet) foray. I seem to recall a pair of satin platform shoes emblazoned with pastel rhinestones that will definitely require a try-on.  Good night!

Wednesday 7 September 2016

Aerosmith Insomnia

Screenshot of the next endeavor--installing this 9'x9' Anthropologie mural

Classic.  2 a.m. & I'm just in from stargazing. It is a gorgeously clear night, & among the other visible brilliant luminaries, Orion, Big & Little Dippers, Dorothy Parker, Julia Child & the Seven Sisters (I don't tell you what to see in the clouds, so don't tell me what I see in the stars--deal?), three shooting stars made guest appearances. 
Raucously loud-mouthed lizards, frogs & distant confused roosters provided the soundtrack, & the show was so good I had a hard time making myself come inside to do my day's end yoga, shower & finally find my pillow. 
I feel bad for people who really suffer from insomnia. I don't. Instead of lamenting or fighting sleeplessness, I've always embraced it, not just for its familiarity but for its potential. A true insomniac puts head to pillow & waits for elusive sleep to overtake. Instead, I have 'Aerosmith Insomnia'--in Steven Tyler's dead-on lyrics, 'I don't want to miss a thing.'  I'll turn my bed down at midnight, but at 2:12 a.m. I'm still ratting around, fighting the strong compulsion to start a new project or complete a procrastinated to-do item.  
Yes, this weekend is scheduled to be 'slipcover-palooza 2016

And all the while Mu looks for the darkest of the still-lit rooms in which she can get her redundant beauty sleep.  
Sweet Dreams!

Thursday 1 September 2016

Sixth (non-?) Sense

If you define 'Senses' as the entry points/means by which we experience the world, I'm voting to add a sixth I'm labeling 'hope.'  Synonyms would include 'potential,' 'faith,' 'promise,' 'possibility,' or 'vision.'  You could argue hope is less real/tangible than the other five, but I'd argue back, citing Synesthesia, the neurologically baffling state wherein a Synesthete experiences one sense in the form of another, as instead of hearing a sound, sees it as a color (thunder might manifest as a red rectangle, or the sound of a piano might be experienced as a flash of blue light).  If that is possible, then I believe some of us actually experience hope in a way that is just as real as sight or scent, etc. 
Hope in the form of a 'before'

Like everything, hope is relative & subject to degrees. Depending on the seriousness of your conviction, hope could be as small as the sparks of interest in a chance meeting or the rush of obtaining something dilapidated to restore.  Bumped to the next level, we have re-marriage after a bad divorce, buying a whole fixer-upper, or moving somewhere radically unlike where you're from.  Then the epitome of hope is faith, when defined traditionally as 'belief in the substance of things not seen.'  
And 'after,' in the form of manifested potential

Not surprisingly, hope is the very model of my favorite psych concept--intermittent reinforcement, the sure-fire way to create an entrenched behavior by randomly rewarding or withholding reward for it.  The fact that once in awhile & following no particular pattern, we get a pleasing result from some behavior, & that the positive result is not attributable to anything we did or didn't do.  This forms the basis for gambling, gardening, Home Depot & HGTV.  

This weekend hope took the form of sanding/painting/transforming an ugly brown lingerie chest purchased at a big box retailer about ten years ago.  Since I'm happy with the result, maybe I'll move up to leaving the house & meeting people next weekend.  
The new/old piece in place

Or maybe I'll paint the two chests in my bedroom.  

Monday 29 August 2016

The Fast Five

Tonight, when my perverse internal clock sent new brain juice in at 12:37 a.m., I thought up an interesting way to channel it. Maybe you'll play along.
First, quickly & without much thought list five 'major' life events that have happened to you.  Don't waste time deciding what others would consider major. What counts is if it was major to you. As you think of each, jot it on a scrap of paper, fold it in half, & put it off to the side as you write down the next. 
When you have all 5, mix them up a bit & draw one.  Read it.  Now, quickly & honestly say what you thought would happen as a result of this event. 

My first drawn was 'Bought house at 46.'  What I thought would happen: 'huge mortgage payments would dominate my life & define all my choices until I was 76.'
My second drawn was 'teen marriage.'  What I thought would happen:  'I'd have a marriage like my parents''
Third drawn: 'Moved to St Croix.'  What I thought: 'five years, tops.'
Fourth: 'Lost two close, young friends.'  What I thought (each time) : 'I'll never find that again.'
Fifth:  'found the love of my life.'  What I thought, 'this can't  last long at this intensity.'

The difference between what I predicted & reality is enormous...& has formed a pretty remarkable life. I mean remarkable to me. Unless you are a much more even-keeled person or a psychic, I suspect the deviations from your list will surprise you too. 

The point?  No matter what you're currently in the middle of, what you can't see over or around, you're probably guessing wrong about eventual outcomes. 

For me, that IS the point. Good night.

I wrote mine on the little cardboard boxes my new cabinet knobs were packed in.

Wednesday 17 August 2016

Doggiest Days of Summer

When temperatures turn sultry & I can no longer say with a straight face, 'I don't need air conditioning at all...ever,' I start to lose momentum on my outside projects. This is generally marked by a change in perspective. Not speaking philosophically here--I change actual perspective by finding more & more tasks I can accomplish in the cooler tile floor. 
You may notice Mu looks taller in pics, simply because I'm photographing her from underneath. 
Melted Mu

Swinging a pick axe, shoveling gravel, or lifting concrete block lose their romance & I do a lot of yoga, crunches, stretches, & anything else to get fit without abandoning my beloved tile.
Here I am, looking for all the world
Like a deranged advice columnist. 

I steam the floor more regularly in the summer, leaving it clean enough for the 'floor exercises' plus other subterranean pursuits like cutting upholstery fabric. 
After season 'half time,' this will clad my From the C booth this fall. 

Inevitably at some point during the summer I have to do some personal archaeology too. I get frustrated & overwhelmed at the zillion piles of project starts, & end up putting everything away & doing an aptly off-season version of Spring Cleaning.
Making 'bamboo-wrap' gold strands for
Earrings & rings
Necklaces...in progress...on the big red
Sofa I'm still thinking about slipcovering

In a ridiculously futile effort to maintain the freshly discovered clear surfaces,  I then try to limit myself to single, or at least single digits of projects. This goal usually lasts a couple of earnest weeks before I'm knee deep in imagining again. 

Saturday 9 July 2016

Second Gear



There is a small immobile pick up truck parked in front of our office this week. The owner was really happy to remove it from storage, having paid off the back debt.  Then he tried to move it and he couldn't get it to go into second gear. So there she sits. I see it every day when I pull in and pull out, and it bugs me. I don't care about the fact there is an immobile truck parked by mine.  I'm annoyed by the fact a nice tenant thought he had some forward momentum going and instead, there she sits.
I've been in reruns this week, painting furniture & watching the documentaries "The 60s" and 'The 70s' on Netflix.  
And they remind me of that damn truck.
I was born in 1962 and I've always been fascinated with the movements for social change that were born in the same decade and the one that followed.  Civil rights, women's rights, LGBT rights all made amazing strides in that twenty year period. Humanity was scaling some steep slopes rather spryly… And then we couldn't get it out of first gear.  
It really isn't surprising when you're making giant forward strides on so many fronts that progress slows.  Sometimes it even halts while adjustments are made. But eventually we must resume the climb. The events of the last few months have me convinced that we are not just stuck in second. Watching all that was achieved in that 20 year span, I feel shame and helplessness when I view the events of the past few months. Forward progress has not only slowed or even stopped, we appear to have jammed it into reverse.
There is strength in passive resistance.  There is humanity in passive resistance. I have to believe both these premises, as much as I believe that the acts of madmen, in the end, will not overwhelm either. Institutionalized divisiveness, the blame game & calls to violence leave us in reverse. Please consider that elected voices spouting the rhetoric of hate, no matter how subtly, are not motivated, as they claim by concern for the greater good. Please stop. Breathe. See the whole picture. And VOTE. 

Friday 8 July 2016

You're Gonna Get Hurt

Last night's project--'dis-en-brownifying' this little console. :)

Ten years ago Ikea put out an ad campaign depicting lab coated scientists watching other lab coated scientists test their products for durability.  It was one of my favorite commercials ever, mostly due to the deadpan faces of the scientists with the clipboards. One nebbishy, middle-aged scientist with a severely receding hairline would open the cabinet repeatedly saying over and over again "mom can I have a cookie mom can I have a cookie mom can I have a cookie mom can I  have a cookie?" In a completely uninflected, expressionless monotone while a like-faced, bespectacled woman made check marks on a clipboard. My favorite part was the nerd-scientist joylessly jumping up & down on a bed while the other scientist made checks on a clipboard & repeated in a monotone, 'you're gonna get hurt you're gonna get hurt you're gonna get hurt.'  If you want a laugh, Google 'you're gonna get hurt ikea' & watch the original. 
Yesterday's voluntary, 'you're gonna get hurt' project: unloading heavy pails

As I'm going through the oh-so-fun process of getting in shape at age 54, I'm realizing I'm surrounded by lab-coated, clipboard-wielding scientist wannabes who worry that 'I'm gonna get hurt,' & also seem fond of reminding me that extreme activities are better left to peeps twenty years younger. While I appreciate the concern, I want to say here & now you can all put down your clipboards, loosen your lab coats & stand down. I'm not as crazy as I seem. 
For one thing, yoga-for-years keeps me 'bendy.'  
Yesterday's other project--AFTER...&
BEFORE (just to mess with the order requirements in your head)

For another, I do either 100 or on good days, 200 crunches everyday. People say lift with your legs. Instead, I concentrate on lifting with my stomach, focusing on exhaling & tightening those muscles before & during each attempt.  
And most importantly, I'm fully aware of (& not one whit regretful about) my age. I'm aware the cape & tights aren't as zingy with immortal juice as they were when I was thirty. One of the reasons I started trying to get fit was my knees. To quote a favorite line from a favorite movie ('An Affair to Remember'), ' My knees--they are as old as me.'  Thirty-one pounds ago, my knees hated my living guts & my sofa was my best friend. I had stupidly taken a years-long hiatus from yoga (from whence I derive any remaining superpowers). And most decisions to do or not to do included a fear of getting hurt.  
But there was something much scarier & self-defeating looming. Unless I made real, radical, tough choices & made them immediately, I was going to have to (horrors) cull my closet contents yet again to get rid of the outgrown, & truly horrifying--the occasional chest discomfort might one day be an actual heart issue. 
54 could be half time or the end of the line, & while not completely within my control, a lot of factors are...so here I am, & why I like the challenge of so-called 'grunt work.'  
See Ma--no hernia, just happy!

Treadmills & oval tracks don't get it for me. Effort should produce tangible results, or at minimum a pleasurable or novel experience. When I was younger I jumped out of a plane & I used to run the road along the north shore coastline, then halfway up 'the Beast,' (the killer hill of triathlon fame) daily. Both fell into the category of pleasurable & novel experiences. 
I still have the urge to jump off or out of something, & I'm not ruling that out. My knees, though much happier now would no doubt flip that script if I tried running again. That isn't fear of injury, rather a realistic interpretation of an expired parts warranty. So...the tangible results idea is my current playbook. I try to build something, plant something, physically make something every day. And when I finish lifting rocks or roof coating pails, or pick-axing rocky soil to plant a tree, or build a wall, or plant a gross of seeds, I can see more than numbers on a scale or better fitting clothing. 
And that will do nicely until they finish the zipline...or until I check out the new hang-gliding group. 

Monday 27 June 2016

Red Clay Mud

Surinam Cherries--what I grow now & what would fascinate my Grandfather

What we left behind,
What we thought we left behind,
What we never leave behind. 
Pineapple tops & slips...because WV is about making more from what you are
given, about nothing wasted. My Grandpa rooted pineapple tops in water & planted them in the planter boxes around the farmhouse. 

'Waspers', rippled glass window panes, the scent of Palmolive dish soap when boiling water is poured on it from a beat-up kettle, the scent of rust flakes in pump water, unfastened red galoshes flopping full of creek water as I stomped along, the burst of juice from a fat, warm Concord grape pressed against the roof of my mouth, the faux pile scrubbed off heavy traffic areas on the linoleum (inexplicably printed to look like carpet), and red clay mud...EVERYWHERE in the spring.

All are things I thought I left behind when my Grandpa died & Mom sold the Roane County, West Virginia farm, many years ago.  I've never tasted a grape like the ones grown on the farm fence, & with luck I'll never have to smell or taste rust left to settle to the bottom of an old Taster's Choice jar so the hand-pumped water would be drinkable.  All the rest never leaves you. I think of the anxiety of trying to avoid wasps in the outhouse after the long drive there.  I think of it with a little rush of satisfaction when I knock down a Jack Spaniard (our tropical version of 'Waspers') nest.  One of our local restaurants must buy in bulk because they always have that distinctly emerald Palmolive dish soap in the hand soap dispenser.  Washing hands in warm water always transports me to the farm kitchen.  
Fresh pineapple from my yard, because the 'pineapple doesn't fall far from the...?'


Yesterday FEMA pulled into West Virginia & started taking assistance applications from the vast number of people affected by the floods. My friend Natalie works for FEMA, is exceedingly kind & upbeat, & I couldn't wish anyone better on the people she may meet.  I also wish them the strength to rebuild, but even more that they retain their strongest parts--the things no water can sweep away & no silt can destroy--the DNA-deep, permanently inscribed memories of a place. 

Sunday 19 June 2016

The 'Farm-lette' Report

  Ethel the pineapple--before
Let's say it up front: backyard farmers are a bit wack.  If you accept that premise, here's the next:  organic backyard farmers should go ahead & sign themselves into a managed care...of hell with it--sanitarium--& save themselves & their loved ones angst, sweat, & a bleedin' fortune.
Ok,  now that's out there, here's what's sprouting,  what I'm harvesting, & what I'm doing with the loot.  
      Happily Ethel--after
(& FYI, I do garden organically, & if they want me at the sanitarium, they'd better bring several strong orderlies...& a big bottle of white vinegar. I use vinegar where others use Roundup. I also use vinegar in lieu of cleaning products like ammonia & bleach. I love vinegar & if that means I smell a bit like a Kosher dill, so be it.) 
First principle of organic back yard gardening (hereafter OBYG, which come to think of it looks like another topic entirely, & yet shares certain characteristics--patience, endurance, opting for healthy choices, more patience, a lot of nurturing, plotting & planning, conversion of spaces, still more patience, protection, pain, & finally fruition.  Hmmm)-- Adaptation. And I mean you, not the plants. 
Made in the shade-house (for sprouting)
First the adaptation in your planning.  I make a lot of useful out of useless, composting so much that I frequently skip putting out garbage for pickup once or twice out of every three times. I just don't amass as much MSW (municipal solid waste--such a romantic phrase), which wasn't really a conscious goal, rather a great side benefit. I'm not a Moonie-esque devotee of composting, just have a smallish covered barrel.  I won't go into composting detail since there are tons of available articles online. I use the simplest of methods, saving everything in a halfway house Rubbermaid tub by my sink & carting it to the bin when full--a couple times each week. I fill the emptied tub as I pass the hose, swish to rinse & dump that juice in the crown of pineapples growing by the kitchen door.  They thrive on it, & though I have friends who swear by the benefits of fish emulsion, my pineapples are amazingly heavy & sweet & live on an occasional misting with the hose & compost juice. No fertilizer, no smelly emulsion, nothing but water & yuck juice. 
Planning also involves placement & plant selection, & here a shout out to the great botanical beyond.  When we lost my dear friend David Hamada last year, I was comforted by the fact his vast horticultural knowledge lives on in lessons & guidance we were lucky enough to learn from him.  Xeriscaping was important to him & he wrote newspaper articles on the topic. Again there is a lot of online material if you want to delve deeper, but my shorthand version is 'plant what wants to live here, & plant it where it wants to be, whether or not that is exactly where you wanted it to be.'  It has to do with the considered allotment of available resources & the use of native species in your plan. It is also about what you don't do.  You don't go against nature by planting what you're nostalgic for from your stateside childhood, with no concern for the vast amount of effort, energy, & resources (water) you'll have to commit to the process. You will most likely fail in your efforts, making all that led there a true waste. Another good friend recently shifted her concentration from growing hibiscus to cultivating bromeliads. She had moved to a new home where the basis for her yard was caliche, rendering digging & drainage difficult to impossible.  Bromeliads are beautiful, come in myriad varieties & thrive here, requiring minimal drain to resources like water. She is having much more satisfying results.  
Bromeliads & the lizards who love them
I'm working on raised beds in the spirit of this consideration.  Maybe 'raised' is a bit of a stretch, & that is a planning adaptation as well.  I'm constructing them of half-faced concrete block (rough texture on the outside) instead of lumber or wood & metal because (like the first  two houses in 'Little Pig' fame) wood rots & invites termites & metal corrodes & crumbles here in the tropics, so to avoid redoubled efforts in the near future--block.  Raised is relative since I'm digging down a few inches, adding weed barrier & then only going up one or two blocks high. So...raised only if you're a munchkin?  8" high block edging still removes plantings from the path of the evil bush cutter, allows me to minimize weeds & maximize soil quality without investing a time/energy/$$ fortune building higher. The plan includes planting herbs & low annuals in the cells within each block too. Because I'm making smallish beds, I can minimize potential weed growth by leaving less space between plants. Before I swung the pick axe    even once, I spent time watching sun & shade patterns to determine what would have the best chance of success in a specific area. As much as possible, I read & studied seed varieties before purchase.
      The second planting for 2016
I paid attention to successful (& unsuccessful since you frequently learn more from failures) choices in friends'gardens. I cleaned used pots with vinegar & water to remove whatever cooties they still held.  
Then I planted my seeds in pots, misted them morning & evening, & covered all with a suspended bamboo shade until they sprouted & required more direct sun.  They are happily growing away. There are cukes, green & black beans, heirloom tomatoes, all varieties of sunflowers, zinnias, cosmos, portulacca, cilantro, basils, dill & thyme.
               Mu inspecting sprouts
The other adaptation is to your expectations.  Aside from not expecting to grow a typical English cottage garden here in the tropics, home gardening here (& especially OBYG) produces unexpected results. The lessons learned won't all be fun, but they're not all bad, either. Tomatoes are my best examples of this.  One year I tried Beefsteak tomatoes. I did it because a local farmer was selling seedlings in his farm stand & they were familiar from my stateside gardening.  Lessons learned:  1.  Just because someone here is trying it doesn't mean it is a good idea & 2.  Abandon your precepts about growing what worked in WV & MD. We're not there, anymore than Dorothy was still in Kansas. The results were abysmal--pest- & blight-ridden, tortured plants producing very few small, sad, gnarled fruit after sucking up a veritable reservoir of water. 
Memory being what it is, a few years later I tried cherry tomatoes, with mixed success.  Again the plants looked stricken, again they drank too deeply from valued water reserves, but the harvest was more plentiful & tastier. 
And then a few years ago I found heirloom tomato seeds at a local hardware store.  Grandpa was a seed saver, with envelopes of saved seeds tucked everywhere in his house. An unwitting follower of Darwin, in saving seed he was selecting for desirable characteristics he wanted to appear in future generations.  This was promising. That year was my tomato personal best.  The plants still looked less than hardy & the resulting tomatoes were smaller & had more ridges & convolutions, but the flavor? The taste of those funny little green/purple striped babies was concentrated heaven, full of peppery undernotes, as if a bold tomato had mated with arugula.  A definite party in your mouth. For months I mostly lived on sandwiches of tomato slices on wheat toast with a bit of horseradish sauce.  This year my seedlings of 'black karim' & 'Cherokee purple' heirloom tomatoes are sprouting nicely. By the time they produce I should be past the most brutally strict part of this dietary revolution & be able to slip in a slice of wheat bread for a tomato sandwich now & then.  
A 'weed mango,' i.e. one that sprouted from a random seed & not from careful grafting like the others in my yard is the first to produce this year, having adapted successfully to the spot it chose.  Still too young to produce the ridiculous bevy of fruit characteristic of its planned brethren, I'm still carrying bags of mangos to give to my coworkers every day. 
The other major harvest is pineapples, & despite the time required to produce a fruit & the fact the plant produces one & dies, they are the best example of xeriscaping in my yard.
Fourteen pineapples in various stages are in the works, and after them their younger sibs will do the same.  All but 2 of the 60+ pineapple plants growing in this yard are the product of the four that were growing here when I bought the house in 2008.  In all, hundreds of offspring have been producing for the last eight years.  They flourish in a grass-covered rock curbing at the foot of my sloping yard. It was designed to keep my yard from visiting the neighbors below, but provides perfect pineapple conditions--support, sun with a bit of shade, & above all, great drainage (to combat rot).  The pineapples are good sized fruit one friend described as tasting like pineapple candy.  Though the parent plant dies after fruiting, it leaves several babies behind on the way out--suckers growing around the fruit, slips growing from the bottom of the plant, & of course the pineapple top to root.
The suckers, slips & tops, ready to plant
All the initial planning & strategy are simply meant to stack the deck toward future success. Lots of stuff can & no doubt will happen between the initial idea & the eventual eating.  It helps to enjoy the process. Every time a seed knocks soil off its head & surfaces, I'm still a kid with radish seeds sprouting in blotter paper, my third grade teacher Mrs. Cubby talking & gesturing excitedly & using metaphors for the potential within the process.